Sea of Souls
by AkaiTsume
Summary: Heaven sucks, even if Sasuke is the only person in the universe who'd think so. Humor, crack!fic, friendship!fic. Oneshot.


**Author's note:** This came spewing out of my fingertips the other day. Just a bit of silliness that shows that my muse is definitely still up and running, hahaha. Warnings: language, references to other anime, nonsense.

Enjoy! ^_^

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Uchiha Sasuke stood upon a gleaming, white marble balcony in a pool of dazzling sunlight, his arms folded tightly over his chest and a scowl pulling at his lips. Below him, a turquoise sea frothed playfully, countless ghostly images of people and places flickering in and out of sight beneath the waves. Huffing a frustrated sigh, Sasuke glanced over his shoulder at a small clock on the wall that was slowly, finally, counting down to zero. He grimaced and faced the sea once more.

As the clock struck zero, the few puffy clouds hovering over the water broke apart, sending a concentrated beam of sunlight down into the waves. An ethereal scene of an old man on his bed, surrounded by countless family members, bloomed beneath the surface of the water. With a smile on his ancient face, the man closed his eyes and seemed to fall asleep. His ghostly family wept.

Sasuke heaved a relieved sigh, then muttered a quiet "_Finally_!" under his breath.

The beam of light grew stronger and wider, blowing back the waves that crashed against it. Abruptly, a white shape was expelled forcefully from the sea, hurtling upwards into the sunlight. The shape made a wide arch in the sky, then barreled towards Sasuke's balcony. Arms still folded imperiously, Sasuke took a measured step to the right. Seconds later, the white shape crashed into the marble and rolled past him into the luxurious bedroom. After a few seconds, the white glow faded, leaving behind an elderly man with long white hair and blue eyes that blinked myopically at the ceiling. Silence reigned for a pregnant moment.

"…Ow."

Sasuke snorted, stepping over to the old man and staring down at him. "The fall from heaven not quite what you thought it'd be, dobe?"

"I forgot how much that hurts," the weathered voice replied. His eyes drifted over to Sasuke, and his lips pursed into a familiar pout. "Don't you think they could make our landings just a _bit_ easier? Death is enough of a shock without _that_."

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "You make that same complaint every time, Naruto, and they haven't changed it yet. Maybe you just suck at landing, period."

Naruto grunted, rising up gingerly into a seated position on the floor. "Shut up, assface." He glowered up at the other man. "And to think I _missed_ you."

"Hn." The dark-haired young man gazed at him, a frown tugging at the corners of his mouth. "It took you long enough to get back here, moron."

"Hmm?" Distracted by the familiar bedroom, Naruto rose to his feet and began stretching his limbs. As he moved, the years began to melt off him, wrinkled skin smoothing and filling with youthful muscles. His hair shortened, burning as bright a yellow as the ever-present sun beyond the large glass balcony doors. He pressed his hands against the small of his back and arched, groaning as his spine audibly cracked. "Ooooh, that's better. I wasn't able to crack that for _years_."

Sasuke glowered as he briefly debated bringing the matter up another time, but he mentally shook his head at the thought of staving off the inevitable. Naruto would remember soon enough anyway, and he'd be impossible at the sign of Sasuke's reluctance. The brunet withheld a sigh.

"Your lifespan, dipshit. Did you _really_ have to take that long to fucking croak?"

"Language, language," Naruto chided hypocritically, turning and wagging an impish finger at him as he ignored Sasuke's second hint. His face young once more, the blond grinned. "We're in heaven after all."

Sasuke snorted, eyeing the beautiful scenery with distaste. "We're in the land of boredom and infinite time."

"It's called 'relaxation,' you grumpy bastard. What's the matter, can't take a few decades off to enjoy a beautiful day?" Naruto chirped irrepressibly, heading over to a thickly cushioned wicker lounge chair and flopping on top of it. He tucked his hands beneath his head and beamed up at Sasuke. "You're as bad as you were when you died. Which was…"

Sasuke fought the urge to wince as realization finally bloomed on his companion's face. When the blond man nearly cracked his face in two with a wide, toothy grin, Sasuke glowered at him and waved a hand dismissively.

"Go on, get it over with," he grumbled.

Naruto leaned forward on his chair, eyes dancing with mirth. "I outlived you by _how _many years? You were, what, forty when you bit the dust?"

Sasuke glared at him, then made his way over to the wicker chair next to Naruto's. "Forty-two," he admitted grudgingly.

Naruto immediately tipped his head back and laughed uproariously. Sasuke gritted his teeth.

"That's…eighty-four fucking years! I lived to a hundred and _twenty-six_! I outlived you by an entire _lifetime!_"

The brunet glowered at him. "I'm aware of that, dobe."

Crowing with laughter, Naruto jumped to his feet and pumped his fists in the air. "Eighty-four years! That makes up for the last five times you beat me, _combined!_ Where's our tally board?"

Sighing exasperatedly, Sasuke pointed to the giant marble plaque on the far right wall of the room. Naruto raced over to it, picking up a small, thin chisel. As he scratched at the marble, perfectly formed numbers were magically etched into the hard surface.

"Eighty-four years, _plus_ I had a huge family by the time I died." He shot a triumphant grin over at the grumpy brunet. "You wanna know how many great-grandkids I had?"

Sasuke glared at him.

"_Twenty_, that's how many! Five kids, twelve grandkids, and _twenty_ great-grandkids. I made an Uzumaki _army._" Naruto etched those numbers into the board as well. "Let's see, and you ended up with…ooo. Zero."

Eyebrow twitching, Sasuke also rose to his feet. "I was a bit preoccupied, Naruto."

"Yeah, with sucking at life, apparently." Naruto eyed their board with glee. "I had tons of stuff named after me, my _face_ is on a _mountain_, I have a horde of devoted family members who'll be sending me offerings for generations, _and_ I started off with _nothing_. I. So. Won at life!"

Sasuke pinched the bridge of his nose. "Naruto…"

But the blond wasn't finished yet. The irritating asshole pranced over to him and stuck his smug little face within Sasuke's comfort zone. "And shall we compare how we died?"

Black eyed narrowed dangerously. "Uzumaki, don't even go there."

"Oh, but I have to. I remember how you teased me, you know, when I once got my head lopped off by a drunk samurai at twelve years old." The bastard gave him a wicked grin. "Let's compare _this_ round, shall we?"

Sasuke shifted his glare to the ceiling. He was certain that someone up there was laughing his or her divine ass off.

Naruto continued, voice lowered tauntingly. "I died of _old age_, happy, safe, and warm in my own bed, surrounded by loving family. And how did _you_ die?"

This time, Sasuke allowed the wince when it came.

"By slipping in your own goddamned shower and stabbing yourself in the head with a kunai!" Naruto tipped his head back and roared with laughter. "You killed yourself bare-ass naked in your own bathroom!"

Finally reaching his limit, Sasuke snapped, "It was an accident! I thought I heard someone breaking in!"

Naruto only paused in his laughter long enough to gasp out, "Why the hell were you even showering with a kunai?"

The brunet clenched his fists. "I wasn't _showering_ with it. I had it in the bathroom for emergencies! Which I thought it was!"

Naruto gave him a trembling smile as he tried to control his mirth. "And who was your fearsome intruder? Did you find out?"

Scowling, Sasuke rubbed a hand over his eyes. "…A rat."

When he glanced back up at the blond man, his scowl deepened. Naruto's eyes were huge and watery, and he'd nearly bitten through his bottom lip. Rolling his eyes to the heavens once more, Sasuke groaned.

"Let it out before you pass out, moron," he grouched. When Naruto dissolved into a heap of smothered laughs and hiccups, dropping down to the floor and clutching his stomach, Sasuke added somewhat defensively, "You know, an experienced ninja who's fucking up would only make as much noise as a rat. I lived a checkered life. It was a perfectly reasonable reaction."

Naruto lifted his head from the floor and pointed a finger at him, still laughing. "And you had eighty years to tell yourself that, hm?"

Sasuke glared at him. "Shut up. You're the one who fucking _cheated_ this lifetime."

That stopped the laughter in a hurry. Offended, Naruto sat up and frowned. "Cheated? I didn't cheat!"

"You had a fucking _demon_ in your stomach that was constantly rejuvenating you!" Sasuke jabbed an accusatory finger at the other man's belly. "I'm surprised you even managed to die of old age at all!"

Naruto folded his arms over his chest, glaring up at Sasuke. "_I_ didn't put the demon there. I didn't even start with it! Someone _else_ put it in me, and it gave me a shitload of trouble, thank you very much! I had just as many opportunities to bite the dust as you did. More, technically. _And_ I started from nothing, which is a lot more than I could say for _you_, Mister Richy Rich."

Sasuke's eyes narrowed. "I had my family killed off in front of me."

"And subsequently spurned every chance to get love and support from that second onwards," Naruto shot back, rising to his feet. "And what did that gain you? You had no friends, no family, and no legacy."

Sasuke opened his mouth to argue, then shut it glumly and turned his face to the side. He glared at the plush, dark blue carpet. Truthfully, he knew he'd done badly on this round. It wasn't his first life that involved trauma, but it was definitely the first time he'd had to deal with something of that magnitude. He hadn't dealt with it well, and he knew it. With the way his life went and the number of people he'd hurt and killed in his quest for power, he considered himself lucky that he wasn't coming back as a _fish_ next time.

A gusty sigh swept out from the blond beside him, and a hand settled on his shoulder. "Sasuke, they know it was a rough time for you. So you didn't handle it well. I'm sure you'll do better next time."

Frustrated, the brunet hummed noncommittally. After a moment, Naruto tapped Sasuke's chin with a finger to draw his attention. They locked gazes for a minute, and then Naruto gave him a lopsided smile.

"They're probably going to hand you shit to deal with next time, too." When Sasuke's expression darkened, Naruto gave his shoulder a squeeze. "Just try not to close everyone out, okay? It was really hard to deal with, Sasuke. I loved you, you know, and so did a lot of other people."

Sasuke grunted, lowering his dark eyes. "I know."

Abruptly, the blond clapped both hands against the other man's shoulders, startling him. "Well! You've learned your lesson, then. You're good to go!"

Sasuke stared at the exuberant blond, then shook his head. "You never stop, do you, usuratonkachi?"

Naruto made a face at him. "As a matter of fact, I don't. And that nickname better not follow us into the next lifetime, Sasuke. I mean it."

Finally feeling his mood start to lift, Sasuke gave the other man a small smirk. "Hated it that much, did you?"

"Still do." Naruto stuck his tongue out at him, then looked him over consideringly. "Matter of fact, I'm surprised you didn't go down for your next run already. Were you waiting for me?"

The brunet gave him a look that clearly implied that the other man was, in fact, the king of all morons.

"Of course I did, usuratonkachi. We were hardly toget—" He cut himself off abruptly, turning his back and storming over to the wet bar that miraculously appeared beside the bed. He fixed a stiff drink of something purple, glowered at it, and knocked it back. Behind him, Naruto let out a quiet chuckle.

"Yeah, I know. I feel the same way. I really missed you on this round, Sasuke. I'm glad you waited so that I could talk to you as, well, us."

Grunting, Sasuke fixed himself another drink. Thanks to the fact that he was in "heaven," the liquor in the bottle was automatically refilling itself. Before he could lift his drink to his lips, however, a tanned hand appeared at the top of his glass and pushed it back down to the counter. Sasuke glared at Naruto, who gazed at him with a soft, warm expression.

"I'm serious, Sasuke. Thank you."

The brunet hesitated, then grudgingly released his grip on the glass and turned to lean back against the bar. He nodded shortly.

After an awkward moment of silence, Naruto lifted a hand to the back of his head and rubbed his neck.

"So, do you have your next assignment yet?"

"Mm." Sasuke reached into his pocket and pulled out a piece of folded parchment. "I'm not due back down for a while yet. I wanted to make sure you were actually dead first."

Curious, Naruto plucked the paper from him and unfolded it. "So that means I have time to get a spot with you?"

Smirking at his friend's eagerness, Sasuke nodded. "Most likely. After all, we've gone down together the last, what, ten times? They didn't kick up a fuss when I asked for a delay."

"Omnipotence and all that," Naruto agreed absently. His eyes suddenly narrowed. "You're going to be Japanese _again?_ What the hell, Sasuke? This is like the eighth time in a row! Can't you think of anything else?"

Sasuke tipped his nose up haughtily. "Actually, this time I'll be raised in Russia and Afghanistan, so don't give me shit about not being versatile."

Naruto glowered at the paper. "You're going to be on the guerilla solider track." Blue eyes snapped up accusingly. "You seriously can't get away from it, can you?"

His smirk growing, Sasuke snatched the paper back. "I'm a warrior at heart, Naruto. You know that, since you're the exact same way."

Naruto huffed, folding his arms over his chest. "That means I have to pick military, or we'll never have a chance of getting along. Thanks a lot, I was kind of hoping to have a break this time."

Sasuke snorted. "Sure you were. I'll believe that when I see it, usuratonkachi."

The blond stuck a finger at him. "I'm serious. That nickname stays here." His eyes dropped to the paper again, and his lips twisted. "I'll give you points for the Russian and Afghanistan stuff, but seriously, did you have to pick another Japanese name and body?"

The brunet pursed his lips. "I like being Japanese, thank you very much. I don't see what's wrong with that."

"Your new first name is almost exactly the same. 'Sousuke'? Seriously?"

Sasuke scowled. "I like it. It's a dignified name. Not like '_Naruto_.'"

The blond stuck his tongue out at him again. "Whatever. It was a fun name to live by." He sighed in resignation. "Is anyone else going down with you?"

His companion nodded. "Tsunade, actually. She's going to be a Chinese-American by the name of 'Melissa.'" He frowned. "She seemed oddly excited about it."

Naruto snorted, shaking his head. "Melissa? Doesn't suit her. Think she'll ease up on the drinking this time?"

The two stared at each other, then shook their heads.

"Not a chance," Naruto mumbled under his breath. Inhaling sharply, he threw his shoulders back. "Well, if she's going to be American, that's out, obviously." Thoughtfully, he reached up and fingered his hair. "I liked being a blonde. Maybe I'll be German?"

Sasuke smirked, reaching behind himself to pick up his discarded drink. "Now who's stuck in a rut?"

"Twice in a row doesn't count, asshole," Naruto shot back. "I'm _definitely_ going to be German. With an honest-to-god German name."

Sasuke sipped from his glass. "Like?"

"Uh." Naruto looked around shiftily. "Kurz?"

The brunet considered it. After a minute, he reluctantly admitted, "Not bad."

Naruto beamed at him. "Then it's a deal. And this time," he continued, jabbing his index finger into Sasuke's chest, "I'm not letting you close me out. We're going to be good friends whether you like it or not. And hey, maybe this time, you won't be fucking _asexual_."

Sasuke stiffened, glaring at his friend. "I was _not_ asexual. I was _preoccupied_."

"You had tits flying at you from every direction. You even had man-fans. You, my good friend, were fucking asexual."

Glowering, Sasuke took another petulant sip from his drink and refused to grace the idiot with a reply. Shaking his head, Naruto fixed himself a drink as well, then turned his back on the bar and leaned against it in a mirror of Sasuke's pose. Together, they watched the Sea of Souls shift and crash beneath the dazzling sunlight. The tension of a pair of long, hard lives melted away, and the two men relaxed. As it did on occasion, the brilliant sun began to set upon the gleaming ocean. Naruto and Sasuke watched it contentedly.

As the sun's final rays dipped below the horizon, Naruto piped up.

"Seriously though, if you find a hot chick in this life, will you _please_ bang her?"

"Shut up, usuratonkachi."

-end-


End file.
